Thanksgiving alone, again. Last year the kids should have been with me but Covid sent the kids to their dad’s. This year was his assigned year so they were gone. I made my first ever Thanksgiving meal, turkey too. It all turned out good. Would have been easier with outlets that worked in the kitchen.

Now we enter full swing Christmas season and I love the music, decorations, and all the joy the season brings. Yet the struggle of being alone for part of it still weighs heavy on my heart. I had the kids last year on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning so this year Dad will have them. Then there’s my yearly battle with New Year’s Eve and the anniversary of my grandma’s death. While it was nearly 30 years ago I can still very vividly see her laying on the dinning room floor, already cold. The pain that followed me for months after that still rise around this time of year. I spent New Year’s Eve alone last year and went to bed at 9:00. I have to find something to do this year. My depression needs that more than anything.

I’ve started a new medication to aide in the weight loss after being stuck for 2 years almost. I’m seeing 6-8 lbs a month gone. That makes me hopeful that this next year will be the year I hit my goal.

I have lots of hopes for the new year, finding a safer place to live, getting things taken care of (and removed) from my credit so I can work on the long term goal of buying a house. I still have days that I’m hurt, angry with my ex husband, but most of the time it’s just regrets. My children are the one thing that isn’t a regret.

Coming up on a year

Last year at this time we were just starting to see cases of corona virus pop up here. School was still going full time and we were headed into spring break fully expecting to return after break to school and work. I was looking forward to break as I’d scheduled an appointment to file for divorce.

Fast forward to today and it’s been such a roller coaster of events. My emotions have been all over this last year. I hit rock bottom somewhere around May, after 2 months at home in isolation with the kids, facing the reality that I was fighting for a marriage that was dead. Uncovering years of his infidelities that I had been oblivious too, over 100 different women!!! Only to have him accuse me of having an affair. His way of hiding his guilt I guess.

I spent months of doubting my worth, value as a mom, doubting my ability to be a wife, or partner to anyone else in the future. Doubting if I should even continue to try. Not even wanting to crawl out of bed to feed the kids, couldn’t stop crying for days.

I did finally make it out of bed, into the shower, out of the house, out to the bike trails with the kids. Painted rocks, did crafts, found things to stay busy. Tried new foods, busted open a coconut one day even. Still had sad days, still do. Anger, rage, pure hatred for this man I loved with all my heart. I wanted to punch his face in so much, even asked for a punching bag but I’m past that now. I look at him now and don’t feel much but disgust, nausea, I want to throw up just looking at him.

Weight loss is stalled, I’m just in survival mode. I am in therapy, will be for a long time. I’m seeing someone to maintain the weight, taking some medication to control the urges to eat and I will eventually get back to the gym. I’m not going to beat myself up over this right now.

Finding Peace

As I am flipping through old pictures this time of year, ever year and remembering the emotional week we had 7 years ago with Jisela and her second and third brain surgeries up at Mayo. I see me smiling but not happy. I’d reached my heaviest weight, hated myself so much. I was drowning in fear ,anxiety, depression, and dealing with what I later figured out was an eating disorder. I shared none of these feelings with the people that mattered the most to me, I just stuffed more food in to cover them up. More food, more insulin, and another pound or two. Then I sat in a hospital room and watched my little girl go through major allergic reactions that they treated her for then gave her the same medication over again, then treated her for the reaction again. This went on for 48 hours!!

I look at pictures of me today and I see a smile that is genuine, even in the midst of a pandemic and divorce I have found happiness, some joy, and I am finding peace. It hasn’t been an easy road, there have been some very dark days. Days that I wish my kids hadn’t seen, days I couldn’t get myself out of bed, or stop the tears. Days of unbelievable rage and anger towards the man I’d vowed to love until death did us part. I still have moments of sadness, and maybe memories will always bring that on, it’s still new and hard to say. I will say I no longer want to punch him in the face every time I see him, or wish anything ill of him. I just want to co-parent as best we can for our kids sake, maybe one day be friends again, nothing more. I could never trust him with my heart again.

I am moving on, I’ve met a really nice guy. One who likes the kids, enjoys being with them when they are at home if that is the only time we get to spend together. I’m working on rebuilding relationships with the older kids. Being as open and honest with them as I can. Reassuring them that none of this has been their fault. They are the greatest thing to come out of my marriage. In fact they are the only thing from my marriage I don’t regret.

Corona Virus

Because 2020 hasn’t already sucked enough I just spent two weeks at home in isolation because of having covid. I’m thankful it was a mild case and no one else in my family seems to have caught it.

Spent Thanksgiving home alone curled up on the couch shivering, fever, chills, and unable to stay awake. Loss of taste and smell, which is now coming back slowly coming back. Plus side, if you want to call it that, I lost 8 lbs in 5 days.

I am moving on from the divorce, I’ve met a special guy. I’m not sure where it is going to go, but even my kids like him. Never in my adult life have I been tickled and he likes to tickle me. He’s been joining me at church also, which means a lot to me.

I will be moving into a larger apartment next month, giving the older kids some space of their own. Goal for 2021, to work hard to rebuild my credit and work towards buying a house. It may not happen in a year but it’s a goal for down the road.

For now I’m finding my joy in what I have, that would be my kid’s, my health, my guy, and my job.

Merry Christmas!

It’s final

Final divorce papers were filed with the courts on October 5, 2020, 15 years to the exact date of our marriage. Ironic that it ended on the same date it began. I’m still going through some emotions, songs come on that make me sad, I look at old pictures of times I thought we were happy and question if we ever really were. I ask myself if I’ve made the right decision or a terrible mistake, even though I know it was what needed to be done.

Not going to lie, my depression has been terrible. Some days I barely eat, can hardly pull myself out of bed, fix meals for the kids and myself, and other days I’ll eat an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and not even care.

I want desperately to get back to the gym, but a voice inside of me asks me why? Why, when your own husband didn’t find you desirable, why would you want to try now, for nobody? What’s the point in going when I can just stay home and “veg out” doing nothing.

Then there’s the anxiety of I haven’t been in so long. Everyone will look at me and know. Everyone will judge me. I look like a barge. I just can’t face this today, and bam just like that I talk myself out of going yet another day! Then I’m angry at myself!!! It’s just a viscous cycle I can’t seem to break free of.

Second worst day ever

I know in my heart that divorce is really the best thing for us.  His patterns of lies, cheating, deception, etc over the years haven’t changed.  No matter how much he has said he still loves me actions always speak louder than words.  If you love a person and are going to fight to keep them, you don’t turn to the internet 6 days after they move out seeking a replacement.  You don’t plan an entirely new life with someone you’ve never even met in person and still expect a person to come back just because you say it’s over.

My heart is completely shattered to have found out that not only did he turn to the internet after I left, BUT he’d been using it for 3 years to “satisfy” his sexual needs!!  I was there, longing for him to want me.  I’d worked so damn hard to lose 200 plus pounds so he’d desire me again.  You know what it did?  The excess skin disgusted him, totally and completely turned him off to the point that he used porn until he developed an erectile dysfunction and now can’t even perform with pills!!  For the last 2 years I was there I just thought it was me!! Nope 129 saved links to porn sites he frequented. Yet his narcissistic self has turned it all on me.

I am not doing well. He signed the divorce papers yesterday. I’ve cried 1,000 tears, lost countless hours of sleep, stopped going to the gym, eating things I know I shouldn’t, and hide in my room as much as I can. My depression is very real and every single day the last 9 months have been a struggle. I hope that I can start to get some closure, pull myself out of this pit, and find my joy again.

Somewhat normal…

Back to work and school finally!!!  Still in limbo with the divorce.  I’m done and just waiting for him to sign.  He thinks it’s still possible to get me back.

I know to much now.  I know about his porn addiction that’s been going on for almost 3 years now.  I know about the 8-10 women he’s been in contact with since we separated.  Some he tried paying for sex.  I know about all the dating sites, craigslist ads for hook ups, and his inquiry into joining an orgy.  I can’t ever trust him with my heart again.  He’s crushed me. 

Those things only touch part of the damage he’s done.  Financially he’s destroyed me also.  From that I may never recover.

I just need him to sign the papers and let me go.

Who knew this would be so hard.

So I filed for divorce back on March 17th after waiting 10 weeks for Kevin to start “fighting” to save our marriage and the only time he spoke to me was about the kids, except for one Saturday in January when I asked him when he was going to start working on our relationship. That day he screamed from my driveway “when you stop being such a bitch!” Talk about heart broken, it was on the day of our 21st anniversary of our first date too. Great way to remember it.

I finally waved an olive branch and asked him to talk, after the kids told me about a picture of a woman in the office, and finding out he’d gotten an entire prescription refill on his ED medication, something he’s never done for me. Always one dose at a time because it’s expensive, and not once in the 15 months before I left! Come to find out she’s 27 years younger than him, younger than both his adult children. He swears it’s just a friendship and nothing is going on and they didn’t start talking until February. She’s been deployed since July (funny that’s when we stopped sleeping together). I’m hurt beyond words. In 21 years he’s never printed and hung my picture and I thought we were much more than “friends”.

I brought up how hurt I’ve been for 18 years over his “we dodged a bullet” response to my miscarriage and how much having my own baby has been my life long dream but that comment kept me from ever trying to get pregnant again. He swears he told me I deserved a baby as I was falling asleep one night, I had to have already been asleep. That isn’t something I would have forgotten. I would have taken my Dr up on the offer for medical help then to ovulate (I don’t but maybe once a year) so I could increase my chances. I feel he robbed me of my fertile years. Telling me now 18 years later, I’m 46 years old with an IUD that could be removed and before it was put in I’d become regular so I might have had a chance but age wise doubtful. Now I’m also not with anyone! Don’t get me wrong I love my kids I do have, they mean the world to me. I still long to know what it feels like to carry a child to term, what that biological bond would feel like, and to experience all of a child’s firsts. He did that in his first marriage/family.

I’ve now really decided that I honestly don’t feel a reconciliation is going to happen. I’m still the one making 90% of the effort. When he does something first he makes me feel like it was torture or a huge inconvience for him to have to do. Even just a quick good morning or good night text first puts him out, but when I don’t send one he’ll complain. Phones work both ways I’m tired of being the only one to send, I’d like to receive too. My bucket is empty and I can no longer fill everyone else’s buckets from my empty one.

Schools closed for the rest of the year!!

The decision was made last week by the governor to not reopen the schools this year. Graduation is still questionable but probably a no go.

Kevin and I sat down and talked for the first time in 4 months, I’m still not sure where we are going. He’s got his eyes on a new woman, but says he still cares about me. I’m hurt by his actions since I left because in the last 15 months he’s rejected me sexually, not once even thinking about a refill on the Viagra. Hasn’t even gone on a date with this girl yet (27 yrs younger than him) and he went and refilled the entire prescription. I’ve only been worth one dose at a time anyway. He told me he’s willing to try and work on us, but doesn’t see anything changing. He doesn’t see anything going anywhere with his new woman (younger than his adult children which I find disgusting).

With all of that, I’m still torn. Part of me is always going to love him. He was my first everything. Yet for the last 3 years or so he’s made me feel completely undesirable, unlovable, and worthless. For me to go back those feelings have to change. If he’s going to date, if we’re going to move forward and finalize our divorce, then is it wrong for me to also date and move forward? Can we try working on building a friendship again and then just see where it goes? We still have a child with 9 years left in public school. So 9 years of co-parenting left too. We need to figure this out before we destroy the lives of our children anymore.

No school, no work, and filing for divorce, what a week.

Corona virus has everyone in a panic buying up everything that isn’t glued down. No meetings of groups larger than ten. Spring Break has been extended for an extra 3 weeks, leaving me temporarily out of work, also. Graduation ceremonies months away are being called off. This saddens me the most. After seeing my own child work so hard to overcome many challenges that could have kept her from graduating on time, she made it anyway.

Then to add just a tiny bit more stress to my world I finally called it quits and filed for divorce yesterday. Enough is enough. Found out a couple weeks ago that when asked on our wedding day by my Father why he wanted to marry me the response wasn’t love but because I was a big woman and he really liked big women!! Now that I’ve worked so hard to lose weight and become healthy he says I don’t care about anyone. He shows zero interest in me, doesn’t look at or talk to me at all unless it’s about our kids. My heart is broken for all the love I gave trying to gain his for 21 years.

I am rarely getting to the gym, struggling with depression, juggling working and being a single parent everyday. This to will pass and I’ll get back on track again, hopefully sooner than later.